Ladies, you are not going to change your man.

Gentlemen, you are not going to change your woman.

That goes for gay couples too. Don’t feel excluded, your relationships are just as awesome and messy as ours. Well, let’s just say that you cannot and will not change your partner. This romanticized idea that is entrenched in popular culture and finally that transforms itself in full blown certainty, is filled with holes that prove it isn’t bulletproof. I am not being negative, pessimistic or bitter. It is just reality. You will not change anybody. You don’t possess that power, it is not your responsibility and it isn’t your choice.

I had this long argument with this girl a few weeks ago, about how a person changes another, especially when you are in a relationship. She kept telling me that her boyfriend changed her and pushed her to become better. I congratulated her on a great relationship and I proceeded to argue that he didn’t change her, he just happened to enter her life at the crucial moment when she wanted and needed change. I have no proof of my theory nor am I looking for it. The only thing I know is that, no one changes because of somebody else wants them to or pushes them to. People change because they are ready to change, not because they are pushed or because they are madly in love. Changing requires the optimal conditions for it to occur. A lot of variables must align the way planets do for an eclipse, which means, it rarely happens.

They say love changes people. Of course, loves changes you!! Hell, hate changes you, money changes you, illness changes you, everything that happens to you changes you to stronger and lesser degrees. Yet, love doesn’t change you the way people believe it does. It doesn’t change anybody on a cellular level. You are not a totally different person once you are in a relationship. Yes, if you are lucky, you will improve and change a few things…But becoming someone else, someone others wouldn’t recognize, I don’t believe so. Perhaps it isn’t about becoming someone else entirely, it is more about becoming a better version of yourself. That point I could accept because I have witnessed it. But then again, it means you were ready for that improvement. No one will force you or trick you into improving. Not going to happen. You were ready to improve, that is all.

Allow me to go a bit negative here: If a guy was drinking when you met him, he will keep drinking or, if he is lucky, he might stop drinking or drink less, because he is ready to do so, not because his partner “changed” him! A woman will stop going out for the same reasons, not because you pushed her to or made her stop. She realized she had to stop, maybe her body or mind couldn’t take it anymore. As people, men and women, we grow, and we stop doing certain things for a number of reasons. It is called getting older and it is fine.

What I am trying to say is, that kind of change, it always happens internally, intrinsically. Love that changes people is the kind of love that happens at the right place and at the right time, period. I know my so-called theory might not find a lot of buyers and so be it. I am simply saying that people commit the mistake of believing they will change a person. I have committed that mistake, there is no shame in it. That’s how you learn in life, by trying things and when they don’t work out, you move on. You are not going to save or help anybody who didn’t want to be saved or be helped in the first place.

Believing your partner will change that thing you really hate, well, that is a gamble. I am not saying that people don’t change, they do. But going in a relationship, while being positive you will change your partner, that is the kind of bet I wouldn’t take. I have seen it fail too many times. Better be more careful by accepting that the thing you hate could very well stick around for a while and maybe focus on some personality traits that are more likely to change. Some ways are immovable objects! I do wish that you find that partner that will change you for the better and that you will help them to do so. Yet, be careful about the changes you are hoping for because, they might not happen.

Just one man’s opinion of course…

Now smile and go on with your day.

Freeman. B

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s