Let’s talk about closure.
Why do all of us have such a rough time with closure? I have a theory that I would like to share with you. I believe it is simply because we are looking for closure in every situation in our lives. Yet, if you sit back and think rationally, something that all of us have trouble doing apparently, you will realize that closure is as rare as a perfect diamond. Closure is elusive to say the least.
We long for closure, we need it, we want it and we would do anything to get it. Our soul can’t seem to rest if we don’t get the answers we are looking for. The never-ending quest is arduous and tedious. While you concentrate on getting answers, your ability to think critically and rationally is taken away. The search for closure takes away your ability to move on, it takes away your freedom, it takes away your ability to let go. It isn’t our fault nevertheless. We can barely be blamed for doing what our nature demands. We are wired that way. Our brains demand closure, our hearts seem to require it for us to move forward. What a shame to have our growth stunted by something so uncatchable as closure. I am not trying to minimize the importance of closure. No one can deny it is needed, I am just pointing out that we rarely get it and its absence can drive the sanest person nearly insane. Closure can become an obsession and poison the soul. Closure is a hard drug, for lack of a better word. You will never fully understand why certain things happen. They just do. That is life.
10 years ago, I dated this girl who broke it off within 60 days. She gave me a bullshit reason, which I could see in her eyes as she was talking to me. Admittedly, the girl cannot lie for shit. She was and still is a crappy liar, poor girl. I thought I was owed the truth! Nobody owes anybody anything as far as I am concerned now, but 10 years ago?? I believed I was owed something!
Yet, I was tormented for at least 2 weeks, asking myself how this happened. Was I at fault? What did I do wrong? Was I inadequate? Why did she do this? Didn’t she see how much of a good boy I was? How could she do this to me??? Those were the questions of a young man, barely 25, still fighting with his ego and fighting even harder to understand who he was, who he wanted to be and who he aspired to become. Retrospectively, as pathetic and needy my questions were, I believe as a person, one should go through that period of doubt, so they can emerge on the other side stronger.
When you are rejected or feel unwanted, control is taken away from you and as a human being, you want to be and feel in control. Therefore, I obsessed over the break up for 2 weeks because I wanted to regain control. However, in the end, I didn’t get any answer to my questions. The more I asked myself questions, the more I couldn’t let go of the break up. I wasn’t obsessing over her, I was obsessing over the rejection. I wasn’t in love with her nor did I need her in my life. The rejection coupled with the lies, which formed what I would later call “closure-less mentality” got me dizzy. I just pushed my brain to accept that no closure will ever come, and I made peace with it. I have been acting that way since. Whenever I come across something I cannot explain or understand, I let it go, especially if it isn’t essential in my life.
18 months ago, her and I spoke again as we met at a party and she wanted to tell me the truth this time, about our “break up”. I politely declined the offer, as I don’t ever go back to fix something that didn’t need fixing. I was done with the situation. Her “truth” this time around, wouldn’t fix anything because there was nothing to fix. It wasn’t bitterness, residual anger or old wounds that could reopen. It was a sincere lack of interest to revisiting the past. I just wasn’t interested in any explanation, whether real or not. The situation had occurred about 3000 days before and so much had happened since. It was done. I had moved on as I assumed she had or as any person would have. We talked about everything else except our situation that happened a decade ago and that was it. No hard feelings and we went on our separate ways as we had done almost a decade ago.
I shall spare you other situations where closure was not offered to me. I am using euphemism to hide the fact that closure was simply denied to me by other people or by life itself. When a person dies, how does one get closure? Isn’t that the eternal question that tortures our souls?
I am not being negative when I say that, if you are looking for closure in life, especially closure in every situation that happens to you, you will rarely get it. Closure isn’t automatic nor is it guaranteed. Closure has a way of playing hide and seek, and closure seems to win quite often. I know firsthand, as a person with an obsessive nature, how hard it is to let go of things when mystery remains.
This is not a brag, but after years of failures and small victories, I taught my brain something I never thought I could do 10 years ago. I taught myself to honourably accept the fact that closure might never come. I have learned to live with the unknown, the unanswered questions, the constant speculation and the residual anger. The latter never lasts, and it even goes from anger to “yeah, whatever man, who cares at this point”.
I said train because it never comes easy to most of us, if any of us, to let go. Sometimes, you will just not have answers. Closure is a force to be reckoned with. I still have trouble letting go at first, but in the end, I just go back to my own way of thinking and I just forget about closure, I accept the fact that closure is rarely available, and it helps me move on with my life. At this point in my life, I even smile as I scratch my head to get answers and I realize I just won’t get them. Closure tends to smile more than me as it is always one step ahead and I cannot catch it. Well, might as well. Life ain’t too bad without closure if you ask me.
Just one man’s opinion…
Now smile as wide as you can and go on with your day.