I HAVE FALLEN OFF THE WAGON.

It is a sad realization, but it is the truth, nevertheless. If one aspires to get better and be better, there is a quality they must have or acquire if they are lacking it: accepting reality. I, myself, am a reality junkie. As blasphemous as it might sound, I consider reality my drug of choice. It is my cocaine, my crack. I am addicted to reality. It doesn’t matter to me what reality is, what it sounds like, whether it is shameful, hurtful, illegal or immoral, I just want to know about it. Reality is the only thing that matters, not suppositions or hypotheticals, or any other fictional concepts. Whatever reality is, I want to know about it. Let’s call that my curse, because sometimes, reality isn’t pretty.

I have fallen off the wagon, that is my current reality. I have fallen off the wagon as a writer, as an artist. It is painful for me to admit but numbers do not lie. My productivity has plummeted, and this is no hyperbole. I used to average a text per day, now it is down to one text every 3 days on average. Let’s not even talk about the audios which are even less frequent. That is my current reality.

A little introspection is always needed, always. We all need to step back and be as objective as we can about ourselves. There isn’t anything more dangerous than self-deception. Some people don’t like engaging in such perilous exercise, as they are afraid of what they might see. Others are just honest with themselves and would rather see the reality than swallow lies that could be presented to them with the sole purpose of comforting them. I am sure you have guessed by now that I belong in the first group. Yes! I am afraid of what I could see. I am terrified at times, especially when I know that I haven’t lived up to my own standards.

Well, in the spirit of transparency and honesty, I used to belong to the first group, not so long ago. Today, I am in the second group and I am aware of the contradiction with the previous statement. I am part of the group that treats reality like a deity. I am fully aware it sounds like a brag and it might be. Let’s just say I accept criticism better than I used to, even if some people who shall remain nameless might argue, and successfully so, that I still have a long way to go. Time and experience teach you how clueless you can be. Time and experience have taught me, the hard way, but I can brag that I have learned.

Now, all this “accepting reality” concept, doesn’t solve my productivity issues, it only reveals it. I know I write less frequently. My writing hasn’t decreased technically, it is the publishing that has plummeted. I remember I reached my peak productivity when I was unemployed. Back then, the only thing I had was time. You would be surprised of how productive you could be when you are unemployed and broke. I know for a fact that my writing kept me busy and optimistic. Today, I am thankful to be employed but, I know my passion is writing, it isn’t finance. I also realized that I still write, almost as frequently as before and I do so on my phone, on my laptop and on small pieces of paper that I conveniently put in my pockets, so I could elaborate on the subject later. I am nearly as productive as before, but I don’t share my texts as much. Perhaps, as much as I don’t like to admit it, I also think that I have talked about so many subjects and I am afraid of sounding repetitive. Plus, some subjects would have to be longer than a page and a half in order to tackle all angles.

A little introspection never hurt anybody. Yet, introspection shouldn’t turn into self-doubt. I know I am not as consistent as I was. I know my mind will never run out of subjects. I also know I could and should take more risks when I write, and I will. Consistency is key. Discipline is a daily exercise. I know I need to set up a routine and especially stick to it. Plans can easily be drawn. Plans on paper have no value if they are just on paper. They must be materialized. They must be made real, otherwise, they are worthless.

I started sharing my texts a year ago now. I am sure I have come a long way. Yet, I know I have a much harder and longer way to go. The dedication cannot stop. The moment you convince yourself you reached your objective and that there is nothing else you need to do, that is when your talent, whatever it is, starts its decline. It can wither and die; the way flowers do when fall starts. It has been a year of amazing creativity. It has been a year of self discovery. It has been a year of improvement. It has been a year of more questions than answers. It has been a year of learning. It has been a year of frustrations, of madness at times, of laughs, of serious subjects, of funny subjects, of getting new readers, of creating blogs, a year of arguments, pleasant and unpleasant ones on the subjects I choose to write about and so much more.

I wouldn’t change anything about this year. I became a full-time writer. How can I possibly complain about that? I couldn’t be happier. Nevertheless, I need to be more consistent, more disciplined, I must work on my craft harder than ever and do so everyday. I have fallen off the wagon, but I will get back on it. Starting today.

Well, this wasn’t about my opinion. This was about facts that prove I need to get better.

Now, smile and go on with your day.

Freeman. B

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s