I GOTTA LIVE MY WORDS.

I have touched on many themes since I started sharing my texts. As I was thinking about the subjects that are mostly in my texts, I realized that I overwhelmingly talk about the human condition. I talk about our shared social constructs, our emotions, our feelings, and so much more. My texts have the “human element” at the center. It is about us, as people, but through my eyes and my experiences, past and present.

Then I realized something; I gotta live my words. I believe I have for most of my life. However, as I get older, I realize that nothing is as valuable as being at peace with who one is and that comes from being a better person. You might not agree but peace, to me at least, comes from being able to do things as I see them fit, resolving conflicts, being healthy, being a better person, keeping my mind sharp and so many other activities. One must master them i.e. getting better at them. It is that simple or that complicated, depending on your vantage point.

I cannot go around writing about a myriad of subjects (love, forgiveness, apologizing, positive thinking, optimism, self control, religion, not hating others, smiling, dealing with anger, letting go, etc.) and then turn my back on what I write. It would defeat the purpose of my craft and I would be mainly lying to myself before even lying to others, the people who are kind enough to read what I write.

My work isn’t a work of fiction. I do write fictional stories where I let my imagination wander as freely as possible. Yet, when it comes to the daily short texts, their content is mostly based on my experiences. I define life as I know it and as I see it. I will be right on certain subjects and wrong on others. Being right all the time would be futile as I am still learning about life after all.

I cannot talk about apologizing and be allergic to receiving apologies or be allergic to apologizing myself. I cannot talk about forgiveness and not forgive others or not forgive myself, etc. I don’t see it as leading or living by example. This whole writing thing is about being true to myself, to my life, to my craft. It sounds simple and it probably is, to stronger and lesser degrees. Moreover, it sounds selfish, which it certainly is. I am aware that I am doing this as a personal exercise, and I can only explain what I know. As you might have noticed, I do talk about my own feelings and opinions in my texts, which is true of any writer. Psychiatrists say writers reveal themselves through their writings and I believe they are right. Besides, I believe my texts help me to talk to myself, to reflect on whatever is on my mind and my heart. Writing can assist me in sorting things out peacefully.

I gotta live my words. I must. I cannot be a hypocrite about what I write. Of course, I can be a hypocrite on other matters, as we all are, I am not condoning hypocrisy, but writing is the one exercise where hypocrisy has had trouble buying real estate. I would do my best to keep that way.

Sometimes, I feel defeated at the end of a long day or week. Do I fail sometimes in “living my words”? Yes, of course! At times, I fail royally. It is hard to write about something and not live up to it. When that happens, I am not disappointed because of what others might think. I am disappointed in myself because I couldn’t be a better person. Yes, I couldn’t be a better person and it is upsetting, I will not hide it.

If I were to explain why I write, it would be that I am on a quest of being better. It is a self discovery quest because I want to be a better person, man, son, brother, friend, co-worker, writer, boyfriend, citizen, and so on. Writing about what I know helps me visualize what I aspire to, where I want to go, what I want to do. Writing has that power for little old me.

I gotta live my words because I am a work in progress every second of every minute of every hour of every goddamn day. Yes, I am in my mid-thirties and I am still a work in progress. I am talking about age because I have heard people in their forties or older openly admitting they cannot learn anything anymore; I have heard them say they are done. That is a mighty sad way of thinking and being. We are all works in progress for almost as long as we live!

I gotta live my words because everyday things happen to me that test my humanity, my patience, my essence as a human being. My texts are there to remind me I still have a long way to go. My texts are there to tell others that they are not alone, that we all have the same aspirations, fears, hopes, dreams and to a certain extent, the same problems as well.

I gotta live my words because as I succeed on one subject, I am reminded that I can improve on another subject. Any success on a given subject, gives me a push to get better on something else. I am reminded that effort, perseverance and patience get things done.

I gotta live my words to be at peace with myself and others. I gotta live my words to be happy. I gotta live my words, period.

Just one man’s opinion.

Now smile and go on with your day.

Freeman. B

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