It sounds quite sadistic as a statement, right? Perhaps, it even sounds a bit masochistic. Relax, I don’t like pain, at least not any more than the next person. Allow me to get my point across and hopefully you will understand me better. Who knows? You might even agree with me!
I have been dumped, twice. The second time was somewhat easier than the first time, as it should be. I didn’t take it well nor did I handle it well the second time, but it didn’t feel as devastating as the first time. Moreover, the second time, I was well into my 30’s, I had more experience in managing myself, meaning my anger, and frustration. And I saw it coming, I won’t lie. Still, it hurt like hell.
So, the first time I was dumped…I deserved it, in an unequivocal way. I mean, thinking back, I wonder how she put up with me to begin with. Nothing nasty or violent happened and I won’t get into details but let’s say I totally and completely deserved it. I can’t think of something I have deserved more in my romantic life. My own actions led to me being dumped, so in my opinion, there was no one to blame but me. I am not saying she is absolved of any wrongdoing, but I am mainly to blame. Goddamn, did I deserve it!
The first time I got dumped, I didn’t see it coming, which added to the anger and frustration I felt. The second time however, as I said before, I saw it coming from miles away but still, it hurt. That’s what happens when you are not a sociopath, and you have feelings I suppose; things hurt! Which is good to be sure; it means you’re alive and your heart is still there! So, good news for me…I still have a heart!
If I were to go deep into the subject, I think for men, when we are dumped, something primal shifts in our brains. I know it happened with me. I cannot speak for women since I don’t have a uterus or a vagina. I can only speak for guys in general and mostly based on my own experiences because when we get dumped, it feels like we have been hit by lightning or a car. I clearly remember being flabbergasted, discombobulated, lost, hurt, angry and I cried the first time, but I didn’t cry the second time, since, you know, I had some limited experience in being dumped. Once again, the first dumping, I deserved it wholeheartedly but that wasn’t the conclusion I came to at the time. When your emotions are rampaging through your central nervous system, things become foggy, unclear, and confusing. Time and introspection are the best teachers, and through them, you find yourself changing your interpretation of things, in a tremendous way. Today, whenever I think of either dumping, I laugh my ass off but a decade ago, I was devastated.
If you haven’t been dumped, frankly, you’re missing out. I cannot stress enough how valuable of a lesson being dumped is! I felt like I learned more from them than I ever learned in school or in books, because I learned mostly about myself. I also remember talking to my dad. “We broke up”, I said. “You ok?”, as he always does whenever a relationship ends. “Not right now, but I’ll be fine”. A silence of a few seconds followed and then he asked, “who broke up with whom?”, which was the first time he ever asked me that question. Perhaps he had sensed the sadness in my voice. As taken aback as I was, I answered truthfully, “She did”. To which he answered, “That’s good”. As soon as I heard his response, I got a little angry and I asked, “Seriously, dad? I got dumped and the only thing you say is good?”. Patiently, methodically, with this soft voice filled with warmth, he said “Freeman, I know you usually break up with girls. And when you do that, they are devastated, as they should be. Now, it is your turn to feel the devastation you have laid out on others. Now you know what it’s like to be dumped. Now, you can see how things look from the other side. Your perspective has changed now. That’s why I said good because you are about to learn a lot about yourself”. If he only knew how right he was about everything he said. Goddamn, I love that man and his wisdom is always on point.
He was so right. Being dumped is such an interesting thing. You must experience it to fully understand its reach, its power, and its impact. When you are dumped, control is taken away from you. Basically, your partner snatches all control from you. Suddenly, you are literally powerless, lost and the anchor you had, meaning the person and the relationship, they are both gone. You feel like a smartphone that is out of cellular coverage and with a dead battery. You got no signal. You don’t know where you are exactly, and your energy is gone. You are lost, hurt and sad. Then, you start feeling unworthy. I mean if you were worthy, the person wouldn’t break up with you, would they? A feeling of unworthiness penetrates your heart, and it stays there. All these feelings are normal, and no one should ever feel any shame for being in a situation like this.
Moreover, all this is happening in your head, regardless of what your ex-partner told you when they were breaking up with you. Now, since you are not in control anymore, you do whatever you can to regain control, to regain your worthiness, to feel enough again, to be enough. Usually, people will do everything they can to get back with the ex. I know I did because I wanted to regain control. I felt I could fix things. I felt I was being unfairly judged and to be candid, I still loved her. Moreover, I believed wholeheartedly that getting back together will fix the anger, the shame, the powerlessness, the unworthiness and so much more. We got back together later even though my instinct was screaming in my head to move on from that relationship and the hurt. We got back together but nothing was ever the same because things were broken way before I got dumped. Getting back together fixed nothing. The issues we had didn’t evaporate in thin air. They were still there, and we broke up again for good.
I came to terms with two powerful conclusions that some people don’t agree with; firstly, once you break up with someone, most of the time, getting back together is a mistake; you should move on. Secondly, being dumped does give you a different and mighty perspective as my dad said. Oh, you get to feel pain and sorrow on an unprecedented level. I don’t like pain as I said before, but I understand how powerfully educational it is. Pain might lead to some light or heavy PTSD, depending on the person and the case, but pain is an amazing teacher. If it gets too intense, go see a specialist if you can. They will help you. I went to see a therapist after my second time being dumped because I needed to figure some things out and thankfully, I did. I have no shame saying this because today I am better, and I can manage myself better.
Whether you want to admit it or not, it is your responsibility to manage yourself and especially your emotions. Sure, you got dumped. Sure, now you feel lost, hurt, and angry. So, what’s next? Self-destruction or healing? I guess there is always some sort of self-destruction whether it’s excessive partying, drinking, having sex with people to feel better or whatever people do to numb their pain. However, ultimately, one must find a way to deal with the pain and the sorrow. That’s when you gotta go to work. You must fix yourself. It will not be easy. I should know. It’s been years in the making. Letting go of self-doubt, accepting responsibility for my mistakes, owning my own shortcomings, apologizing, forgiving myself, spotting red flags better than before, be more open about who I am and what I am expecting from a partner, being true to my word, stopping silly and unproductive behaviors, being comfortable with myself and my needs, quitting blaming others for my own mistakes, managing my anger better, accepting that pain and sorrow are part of life and they are unavoidable and so much more. Like I said, that’s a lot of work and it also is constant work.
To the two ladies who dumped me, I could never thank you enough, for real! Thanks to you, I learned so much about myself. We were not meant to be together and that’s awesome; not every relationship is meant to be. I hope you’re happy and fulfilled. I hope you’re living your lives as you see fit. As to me, the learning process about my own damn self is ongoing. It isn’t easy but in life, what is? Nothing I would say. And who would have thought getting dumped twice would be such a blessing. To anyone who got recently dumped, you’ll be just fine, believe me. I just hope you’ll learn from this unique experience that looks dark but ultimately is salutary!
Just one man’s opinion.
Now smile and go on with your day.